Apres
by forever fan
Summary: Dessert isn't the only course after dinner. Part three of the journal series of stories.


Title: Après

Author: Forever Fan

Rating: T

Spoilers: A few

Category: Romance/Supernatural

Disclaimer: This property belongs to David Gerber Productions and FOX Television.

I make no profit and intend no infringement.

Summary: Dessert isn't the only course after dinner. Part three of the journal series of stories.

Feedback: Yes, please

**Journal: His**

I've always played by the rules. My parents were loving but strict, and raised their three sons to be obedient, moral and honorable. Being the youngest of their children, I also had two older brothers to answer to when my behavior strayed from the straight path set before me. I learned early the consequences of veering from what was acceptable in my family. There were no short cuts allowed in our home. Everyone was responsible for their own actions – chores were expected to be completed or there was no allowance. Homework was always done before any fun activities. There were no late nights – what happenings my parents didn't find out about in high school my brothers did – it was no wonder I was touted as "the class grind" in my high school annual. I was.

Things were a little less rigid in college. There I found my niche in many social groups – not to mention my way around women. Mary Jane Finley was the most beautiful girl I'd ever met – she could easily have been a beauty queen – and I was a little surprised when she not only agreed to go out with me, but after only a few weeks agreed to wear my fraternity pin. I really did intend to turn that pin into an engagement ring after graduation. But somehow fate intervened and a scholarship to the University of Rome was just too tempting to resist. I had expected to come back after that year abroad and pick up where things had been left off with Mary Jane, but that's not how it worked out.

I met Mary in Rome. Love at first sight wasn't really how it happened. She was bright and beautiful – and spoke fluent Italian. She was a fellow American graduate student who had been awarded an engineering scholarship. At first she had been a friend and someone great to explore Rome with as my Italian was fairly unintelligible by Italians. Mary's grandparents were from Italy and growing up bilingual and bicultural allowed her to fit right into city life in Rome, not to mention that she had relatives there. So where she went – I went.

By the time I had met the eccentric Italian director Fabrizio Schiavoni, Mary was along for that impromptu dip in the Chianti. In fact, that might have been the moment when I realized I could be in love with the intelligent, warm, gentle and free-spirited Mary. Her background and upbringing was just as traditional and strict as mine had been and it had taken a lot of courage for her to break away from her close-knit Italian-American family to study in Italy on her own. I knew our values were alike – hard work and family. I think it could have been then that I began thinking of that adorable little blond as the _only _woman I could marry and be the mother of my children.

That is – until now.

Now I find myself more in love than I could ever have been as a younger man. Although I felt like an insecure teenager at dinner, now I feel as sure of myself and my feelings as I ever have. I love Phoebe. All I could ever want or need in a lover, wife or mother is inside of her. She's the fulfillment I've been searching for all of my life. Phoebe is not merely the woman to complete what has been missing since Mary died; she is the woman I've been waiting for. If it had been her and not Mary I'd met in Italy that fall, I know now that Phoebe would have been my wife. How could it have taken me so long to realize that?

I think we were both afraid of what was happening between us that night at dinner. Although we had known one another for years, all of our tentative and not-so-tentative touching on the dance floor was new to us. And I never expected that night to turn out the way it did. I never thought she would be as loving or as willing or as desirous as she was with me. So much of what happened between us was unexpected – not the love or the hunger – but how unrestrained it all became for both of us. I had lived with desire for her, but once I knew her love was returned it was suddenly impossible to resist her. Sexual cravings can be tamed, I knew that from experience, but what I – what _we _– were feeling that night was more than physical. What was happening felt beyond emotional yearnings too – maybe if I was less of a pragmatic thinker I would say something mystical or magical was at work. Perhaps that is what Phoebe would say. All I really know is it was a force neither of us could or would control.

Once we were finally alone, the impact of what had happened and what was about to happen hit me all at once. She seemed more self-possessed than I was feeling, and when I reached out to touch her I was aware I was trembling. I wanted everything to be perfect that night; it wouldn't be right if I were so passion-addled that I somehow frightened or rushed or hurt her. That night was all about Phoebe. She meant everything to me and in the silence of the room I became more aware of her than I had ever been before. Her full, soft, feminine curves, that cloud of sun-colored hair loose over her shoulders, her light, familiar fragrance pulling at me – I felt my breath coming faster when she suddenly leaned towards me...

I caught her in my arms and she looked up at me with deep, sea blue eyes full of trust. Holding Phoebe closer, I smiled to reassure her and she smiled back. Caressing her smooth cheek with now steady fingers, I studied her expression and realized this was the woman I had known for two years, the woman I had already shared my life with and the woman I had wanted in my life forever. There was no reason for shyness or hesitancy although we had never been alone like that before. The uniqueness of that moment could only be experienced with her, and I was honored to know she would reveal that private side of herself only to me.

Once, some months ago, I tried to tell Phoebe she was beautiful but ended up complimenting her great-great grandmother's wedding dress instead. Now I tell her the truth that was unspoken in those words: that _she _is beautiful. She didn't blush when hearing that truth, so I said something else she needed to hear and I needed to say: that I love her. She said the words back to me at almost the same time but I didn't wonder at the synchronicity of our words. That was something we both knew and understood. Without a need to say anything more to one another I kissed her.

Oh, but those dream kisses didn't lie! What we had shared in those lucid dreams came back with a force in reality. How could something so new between us feel like we'd been kissing one another forever? I felt barriers between us dissolve, and if I didn't know better, I would say we were merging on a cellular level, never to be two separate people again. The hunger I experienced kissing Phoebe felt endless, as if I could survive simply by feasting on her lips. I slowed down to enjoy our kisses so I could kiss her again and again and enjoy the flavor of each new kiss.

When I felt her arms encircle my neck, I bent to hold tight to her petite body by pressing one hand against her lower back. My other hand reached into her thick, mane of loose curls and I tipped her head back to allow her to receive even deeper kisses. I felt her mercurial tongue meet the demands of my own – both of us curious and teasing. Phoebe easily accepted the intimacy of our kisses – I heard the soft mewing sounds she made and felt her eager responses. I could sense her desire rising and my own arousal mounting as I entered the divine font of her mouth over and over. If this was just the beginning of our journey, I would continue to show her here and now how I planned to pleasure her.

Phoebe swayed again and this time I picked her up and cradled her in my arms. She felt as if she weighed nothing. Not releasing her lips, I took the few steps necessary and carefully placed her on the bed beside me. Gently ending our kiss, I looked down at the soft and lovely woman I still couldn't believe was finally here and in my arms. When she opened her eyes her expression was so full of love and tenderness I knew I could now believe in miracles. I smiled at her obvious and lasting influence on me then tasted her sweet lips once more. I don't know what Phoebe saw in my eyes when I looked into hers again, but I saw tears glisten there for just an instant.

I held her gaze as my fingertips stroked her wise and intuitive brow. What passed unspoken between us surpassed any mere verbal understanding.

I would give her anything.

XXXXXXXXX

**Journal: Hers**

A lifetime of listening to lessons that began in childhood regarding proper behaviors for young ladies or the correct social actions for a young woman making her way in the world now seem unnecessary and unneeded. I was schooled in a very strict and careful way to be aware of my social standing with its obligations and limitations and later how to behave in my professional role. Performing intimate domestic tasks requires strong professional boundaries to keep a flexible but firm separation between employer and employee. And all of my professional life I have adhered to those proprieties until…

All of those years of training, and every moment I spent maintaining my decorum and upholding a respectable distance – all of that vanished in an instant. I should feel the loss of my modesty and manners appalling but instead I triumph in the splendor of it all.

Yes, rules are very important. However, it is true I prefer exceptions. That was proven again to me in this situation. But how can I explain, even to myself, what happened?

I'm not a completely inexperienced woman when it comes to men. True, I've been betrothed since my birth, but that situation was never expected to be an obstacle to my pursuit of other relationships or to forbid me to be pursued by other men. Although fidelity in my marriage was to be a certainty, I was entitled to spend my youth flirting with and dating anyone I chose. So was my fiancé. My school years were filled with as many boyfriends as any of my contemporaries – I'd even had my rash feelings of wanting to marry other men (boys really). After my time at university and several years of travel, my work took on more significance in my life than dating and I settled down to the idea that my proposed marriage would happen in the future. Men continued to pay attention to me – but I found my interest in dating had waned. In the years of my adolescence and young adulthood I found no man more appropriate or attractive to me than the beloved fiancé so lovingly appropriated for me by my doting family.

That is – until now.

Now I find myself as dizzily head-over-heels in love as any teenager, as giddy as any girl on her first date, and as lustful as any woman who has spent years ignoring natural sexual appetites. I feel as if a key in a lock has been turned and a great door has swung open to reveal everything I've ever needed or wanted. And everything is there for the taking: the fulfillment of every longing and deep, hidden need – things I'd never even known I'd wanted – all there in Hal's eyes.

At dinner that night I suddenly discovered all of my feelings – known and unknown – reflected in his gaze and in his touch. After dinner I told myself I should be frightened, I was when I first thought about being alone with him, but once we were alone all I felt was exhilaration and joy. I thrilled at the look in his eyes – the warmth of love, the heat of passion, the awe at knowing his feelings were returned – when he looked at me I felt cherished. I felt as if I'd never been wanted by any man before and I know I'd never been loved – not like this. And I never want to be loved by any other man again. I knew I would never love any other man.

Is it possible to _feel _a touch before it happens? When Hal reached out to touch my cheek, I felt the warmth and gentleness of his hand before his fingertips grazed my skin. How was it that although he had held me close in his arms on the dance floor, this tender caress felt as if I'd never felt his touch before? Was it because we were alone? Was it because without the distraction of the music and of others on the dance floor I felt the slight tremble in his fingertips? Was it because in the silence of the room I could hear his fast, shallow breaths? I knew Hal wanted to take things slowly with me, to be tender and gentle and oh, so careful. He was afraid of frightening me, of somehow hurting me, or of giving me any reason to leave. I could feel him holding back the strength of his love and his desire, and the force of his hunger caused me to sway on my feet.

Hal caught me in his arms to steady me and suddenly I was as near to him as when we were dancing. Standing close and still, I could feel everywhere our bodies were touching. My head was tipped back to look up into his face and again I was aware of how tall he is – how much larger he is than I am and how safe and protected I felt in his embrace. He tightened his arms around me and smiled at me. I smiled back. The moment had no awkwardness, yet I felt that it should. I'd never been alone like that with any man and he knew that to be true. I suspect he had never been alone quite like that with any woman either and the quiet room feels like the most perfect place to be in the world.

When he told me I'm beautiful, I believed him. I could never doubt the sincerity or the emotion I saw in those incredible, sky blue eyes. When he told me he loves me, I told him the same. I knew we were both speaking a truth that was new to one another, yet it seemed inevitable. A truth we had both known and understood for a very long time. When he kissed me…

There was nothing clumsy in Hal's kiss, and the warmth of his inviting mouth drew me in as if I had kissed him thousands of times. We melted together in the intimacy of our kiss, devouring and exploring one another as if we'd both just discovered kissing and what a wonder it could be. We kissed slowly, desire leading us on, pulling apart only for our lips to meet again and again – I pressed myself hard into his chest, pulling myself up on my toes while reaching my arms around his neck to hold onto him – forever.

His arms held me tight – one hand pressed into my back and the other tangled in my hair. My neck was tilted back almost painfully as his plundering kisses continued and his tongue caressed mine. He filled my mouth again and again until I felt faint. The desires I was experiencing were rushing through my body with an unfamiliar yet purposeful and craving ache. I felt as if I couldn't be close enough to him. The more he feasted on my mouth, the more I could sense our growing and impossible hunger. I was aware I was clinging to him, demanding more from him – sweeping his mouth and matching his urgency. I couldn't – I still can't – get enough of his rich taste. Hal's kisses left me as lightheaded as the wine we'd had that night. I couldn't feel enough of him, and never, ever wanted to leave his embrace.

I felt the moment he lifted me up into his arms, but my eyes were closed and I couldn't take my focus from kissing him long enough to look at him. The softness of the bed beneath me gave relief to the tension in my neck and I felt his mouth pull from mine. Slowly I opened my eyes to see Hal's face above me – his eyes glittered but the expression in their depths was so soft and so loving I could not look away. His lips were reddened, moist and swollen. He smiled gently at me before touching his mouth to mine in a kiss so tender I struggled to keep the tears from my eyes.

He stroked my face again with feather light fingertips and asked me a question with eyes that spoke to something starving and empty inside of me.

I would refuse him nothing.

XXXXXXXXX

**Journal: His**

That first night I'd had a short dream. I had dreamed I was drifting out on Squaw Lake on the boys' handmade raft, only this time I was all alone. I could see the cloudless expanse of blue sky above me, and the deep blue of the water below. The colorful sail that Phoebe had made was flapping in the breeze and although missing her and the kids beside me, I felt content. Hearing the birds and the lapping of the lake, I could even sense the fish swimming beneath me, the insects skimming the quiet ripples. I closed my eyes and allowed the sun to bake my bones. I felt good – whole and happy for what felt like the first time in my life – yet I was alone.

Then I felt Phoebe's presence. She was right when she said people who love nature and animals are more aware of their animal natures and the animal natures in others. Surrounded by the water, the sun, the birds, and the trees on the bank – I felt more profoundly connected to her. When I opened my eyes in the dream, Phoebe was leaning over me and smiling. I realized her eyes were the exact deep blue color of the lake and sparkled as brightly as when the sun glinted on the water. She kissed me, and as I clung to her mouth I surrendered once again to the loving physical demands of the beautiful animals we'd become.

I guess it all makes sense when you consider we practically live in a zoo. I may get annoyed at times, but I cannot imagine my life without animals. And I suppose after decades of close living with canines, felines and every other species the kids and Phoebe have managed to accumulate – I've learned a thing or two about the value of non-verbal communication. Certainly something unspoken in me was speaking to something unsaid in Phoebe that night, and we were able to communicate over and over without a word. We expressed ourselves beautifully to one another and made each other unspeakably happy. I had known love and contentment before, but ecstasy and rapture are elusive in even the most committed and loving relationship. And if lust is supposed to be incompatible with love, trust and respect in a relationship; that belief completely shattered for both of us.

At dinner that night I was as surprised by my actions as I was by hers. However, once we were alone the ease and enjoyment of simply being together dissolved all tensions and tentative actions. One touch and we both entered a world of love and intimacy that was only inhabited by two. No one and nothing else seemed to matter – there was no world beyond that small room, no presence but the two of us left in existence. I could only see her eyes and her smile – I was only alive because of her – and I knew she only came fully alive for the first time when in my arms.

There had been times in the past when I was apprehensive about what seemed to be Phoebe's uncanny and disconcerting precognition. However, that night I only felt gratitude for her depth of understanding. I knew I could never find the words to express my feelings to her. I could only gaze into her eyes and try to convey all of my love and trust. She made me feel safe – made me feel as if I were coming home to a place I'd never been before, but I knew her as my only haven. I gave her my soul for safekeeping, and let her guide me in that yet unknown but peaceful place.

And I would guide her into her unknown territory. I knew Phoebe wasn't afraid of me, but I sensed she was overwhelmed by the sheer grandeur of emotions aroused when making love. I touched her slowly and gently; allowing her to become used to one physical sensation at a time. I loved just looking at her, uncovering white, luminous skin that flushed so easily. She was more sensitive and responsive than I could ever have imagined – more so than any other woman I'd ever known – and that was exciting beyond anything in my experience or expectation. I kissed her skin reverently and felt delicate shivers on that supple flesh beneath my lips and tongue. And she tasted sweet – I knew she would – fresh like a ripe apple yet rich like cream and spicy like cinnamon.

My radiant Phoebe was certainly well named. Like a goddess, she seemed to glow beside me, her shining hair and eyes and soft, soft skin gleaming in the low light. She felt like satin, like silk, and at times seemed to flow beneath me like warm water. I meant to take her on a journey but became lost while drowning in her. However, nothing mattered when we were lost together – her exploration of my body was designed to drive me straight out of my mind. At times she seemed as curious as a child – playful and teasing – seeking the edge of my endurance with a humor and joy that was familiar between us. Then the next moment she was all woman – sensual and enticing and drawing us both towards fulfillment. We seemed to chase one another around and around in a circle of delight as if I could feel her pleasure and she could feel mine. How was it possible to be so in tune our first time together? If my usually well-ordered brain hadn't already short circuited several times that night, I would have tried to apply myself to that mysterious enigma. As it was, I was just too happy holding my love in my arms and closing my eyes.

That's when I dreamed that night. And was that any wonder I dreamed of drifting on a raft on the water surrounded by nature and by Phoebe? I felt her presence before I had opened my eyes, and woke to see those warm, inviting sea blue eyes gazing at me. Holding her close again I told her I love her and want to be together forever. I hated to see tears in her eyes – even happy tears – so I kissed her and again revisited our passion. Too impatient to savor her slowly, our bodies quickly entwined as completely as our hearts, our souls and our lives.

She is mine now; and I am hers.

XXXXXXXXX

**Journal: Hers**

All of my life I have been happiest when surrounded by nature. My family reports that I was a born animal lover and that animals always loved me – dogs, cats, birds all flocked to me from my first outing in the park. I've always had an affinity with animals and with the elements, and I adore being out-of- doors. One of the things I am always fond of saying is that "I never feel more completely human than when surrounded by animals". Hal's lightheartedly accused me of both wanting to live in an animal shelter and of trying to create a zoo in the backyard – but it's obvious he's an animal and nature lover too. I've always known that about him and now I have proof.

I'm convinced anyone who loves animals is deeply in touch with their own animal nature. And when you are "in touch" with that side of yourself it only stands to reason that you would be "in touch" with the animal side of your fellow human beings. When I proposed that theory to him that night it was met with delighted laughter and wholehearted agreement. Hal told me my scientific hypothesis was sound but he needed to gather more empirical evidence – so he kissed me again.

That first night proved to me that my intuition, insight and rare ability to communicate with animals have other valuable uses as well. Not only does it heighten my awareness and enjoyment of my own animal nature, it exponentially increases my understanding and my pleasure in savoring the animal nature of another human being. For instance, to appreciate the many varied ways of communicating without words – for it is my belief that language is overrated – has a beautiful and unique place when in an intimate exchange. Other animals know instinctively the worth of a glance, smell, taste, touch and non-verbal conversation. And that night I found out just how unnecessary words are at times.

Hal and I said much to one another that evening, yet we hardly said a word. I'd always been entranced by the uncommon beauty of his eyes, now I knew my fascination wasn't merely aesthetic attraction but the desire of my soul to seek and to know his very essence. I had never spent so long gazing into anyone's eyes – I felt as if I had seen further inside of him than anyone ever had before. I knew he saw deeply into my very being – I couldn't hide one thought, one emotion from him and I don't think I'll ever be able to do so again. There was something frightening and also something freeing in that knowledge – to know there was someone who knew me _too _well, someone who lived inside of me as surely as I now resided inside of him.

The idea of being "lost" in someone's eyes was not my experience – I felt found in Hal's eyes, held close and finally known by another in the embrace of his gaze. Looking into his eyes I experienced the sensation of flying – the feeling of soaring in the sky blue of his eyes – this was where my wanderlust had finally taken me. I realized that was why I could never leave him, _he_ was my home. If I had "lost" a part of myself in him, I gave that piece of myself willingly; and if I had taken something of his away, I will cherish and keep safe whatever he shared – forever.

But I did become lost in his touch. I was completely aware of every place Hal touched me – each branded inch shielded in my memory – and I followed the sensations from one new physical delight to the next. Every patch of skin was sensitized and I was either shivering or enflamed from the slightest caress of his fingertips. I was captivated by the path his hands made on my skin, the changes in pressure and pace; the way he retraced some flesh as if mesmerized and skimmed other places as if saving them to revisit. Often his mouth followed those broad palms, and the tender touch of his lips caused me to close my eyes and fall into that sweet sensuality as if I were entering another world. How he knew just when and where to place a moist kiss mystified me – he knew my body too well for our first encounter. But such a tantalizing thought was much too intense for scrutiny when I had other wonders to explore.

My own fingers became spellbound by sensation wherever I grazed the warm velvet of his flesh. I could feel his response to my touch as if it was occurring in my own body: I touched his lips and my own begin to quiver, I caressed his wide shoulders and felt my muscles warm and relax, I traced the smooth column of his spine and felt my body arc to meet the bend of his. Hal smiled when this happened, he could sense how in tune we were to one another and enjoyed my pleasure as if it were his own. And he sought out my pleasure with the determined dedication he applies to any enigma – he tested and teased my body as if I were an experiment crafted for both his intellectual and his erotic delight. And watching Hal's fascination and happiness at each unwrapped mystery between us brought me a blissful contentment I had never thought possible in this life. I was enraptured by the boy still present in the man, the scientist inescapable in the lover.

Late that night I gazed at his handsome, peaceful face and my heart expanded with more feelings and with more varied emotions than I could express. I kissed his closed eyelids softly, fluttering my eyelashes across his cheek and his temple – the temple that housed his beautiful mind. I realized how very much I love this man and everything that he is – I loved our life together – what it was and what it is and whatever it may turn out to be.

Hal stirred and opened sleepy eyes to look at me. For a long moment we gazed at one another until he smiled and held me closer. He whispered that he loves me and wants to stay like this – together – forever. Tears came to my eyes and I could only nod before he captured my lips in another blinding kiss. Did I ever have a choice? Since he first touched me I had been lost and had given up my former way of life forever. I belong in his life in another way now – just as he belongs in mine.

I am his wife.


End file.
